Mood: Tired
Listening To: Dream Theater - A Change of Seasons.

 

 

 

It's interesting to go through certain stages of life.  Currently, I think I'm at a point where I'm enjoying life in a very sadistic way?

My partners at Starbucks can't seem to understand my enthusiasm towards work, and whatever I do.

Sometimes I wonder how is it possible, myself?

There's The Secret, but then again, it's all about the mind.

Currently, I'm working during closing hours in Starbucks, and it's no joke to try and juggle my schedule.  I don't even see the faces of my housemates/ex-gf anymore when I go home.  Since my laptop's at the HP Service Centre because I either blew the RAM or motherboard's BIOS, I only relax at home with my iPod and what's left of it.

And imagine, having speakers with a subwoofer, but an 320 x 480 resolution based screen just to watch Top Gear.

Very simple, and homely.  I'll post a picture to that when I get the laptop back.  Should be getting a call either today or tomorrow.

Although the loss of my laptop for a total of 5 days sounds kind of .. sad, but I'm extremely contented with what I have at the moment.  The people that surrounds me, the people I'm working with, and .. stuff, I guess?

Currently, I'm checking out my latest project that I've been asked to session, once again.  It's Iz's song - Bersama/Together.  Since the beat's being laid out, my job is to only stuff in the usual guitar nonsense.  And what I have as a draft, sounds a little bit different.

Although the beginning does sound like John Petrucci's solo in Another Day, it somewhat surprises and disappoints me.

But since the ending sounds good enough to overcome that minor problem, I don't mind at all.

And you heard?  DJ Tiesto's coming down to Port Dickson.  I never said that I wasn't a fan of Trance/House/clubbing nonsense before, meaning to say that I have nothing against them.  Therefore, since the event's in Port Dickson @ Admiral Marina Club, guess who got free tickets?  XD ..

As many tickets as I want, and either on single or both nights.  HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO.  XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

 

 

 

 

But, if I really think about what I'm doing, I don't feel sad.  I feel rather contented.  I don't know why I feel this way, but .. it's not like me to feel this way.  But this whole feeling and perception of life is simply..amazing?  I'm getting paid for work, I'm catching up with studies naturally even when I don't pay attention, and the exposure to this side of the music industry is a great start.

Especially when you're finally getting paid for music, it's an achievement - but it won't last for long, I know.

Plans for Starbucks:
- Work long term even as a part timer till I move to Melbourne.  Try to apply for Coffee Master status (unsure about District Coffee Master title) .. Get to Melbourne, settle down there for a few months till I'm legal to work as a part timer there.  I heard in Melbourne/Starbucks Coffee International (not Berjaya Starbucks Coffee Sdn Bhd, duh), you can apply as a part-time supervisor from my other senior partners in Australia if you worked in Malaysia or something?  Or maybe it's a Starbucks International rule thing that never seem to existed because of Dato Vincent Goh ...

 

 

 

 

Well, being single is fun - if you don't think about needing the significant other.  I'm not saying that I'm stubborn.  I love to share benefits or whatever it is among friends, it's just that.. I have to admit that I do not have the time to care and love for someone .. special?

Besides, I'm out of strength to go on in any relationships.  I'm worn out.  Lol.

 

 

 

 

Oh.  Good news.  I managed to get back on the guitars again.  :)

 

 

 

 

PS.  For those who are working in the F&B line .. Grease traps are probably .. I don't know.  A blessing in disguise to piss off your manager if he's close by.. XD

Mood: Tired
Listening To: Bersama guitar nonsense









I've never written a solo like this before.  It's simple, melodious, and it sounds wicked at parts.  I finally managed to be one with an analogue instrument itself to make it speak my soul, feelings and emotions out for a short period, I guess?

I do dig it, but it needs more work.  Somehow, as nearly perfect as it sounds, there can be more things that can be added to.. make it sound tighter?

... ????

Questions, questions.  I'll hit the recording studio soon, and see what else I can come up with.  After all, recording along with the vocals is a better idea.  More ideas to come up with, and at least I would have an overall view about how the theme for that certain section of the song is supposed to be.

Ooh.

I met Nick Lee!  Huhuhu.  He's simply amazing.  I would want to watch him master Iz's EP, and soon, Kelvyn's other projects.  He hasn't met up with Kelvyn before, but he has heard about him before.  And I'm surprised that he said that he heard that Kelvyn's a good guitarist plays at lightning speed!  Wooo!!!!!!!!

THAT'S THE PENANG MUSIC SCENE FOR YOU LAAAAHH!!!! XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD










Besides that, I don't think the break up was a good idea.  Not even the break.  Sometimes, it really makes me wonder if I'm able to turn back time and not meet her instead.  It's painful to watch someone else in tears..

.. Or is it?  :)

Mood: Buh
Listening To: Dream Theater - Strange Deja Vu









Deja Vu indeed.

She asked for a break when I was working.

.. But now, it's the only time we're able to talk.. So it's good for the both of us.  She said she might regret letting me go.










... But I have a life.  Either you get on, or off.  :)

Besides, now that I have a part time job, I'll be less free.. In fact, I don't even have time for myself.  It would be unfair to her when I can't be there and all.  It would be unfair to me if whatever she does would hurt me silently.

It's unfair for us to be together.  But this break shall judge our fate of being together.










God.  Class tomorrow.  What a time to try an odd drink in Starbucks.. -_-... Now I know why people don't drink Espressos at night.. don't mind me,i'm no coffee nut -_-

Song of the moment:

Mood: Free
Listening To: Some Gundam PS2 game









I'm blogging from Shemane's house at the moment.  Nothing much to announce since the title explains it all.










Oh well.  I guess I can't wait to get back to Kota Damansara at the moment.  I've got no idea what to do back in Penang this coming Friday till Sunday/Monday.  Hmm..










Anyways, lyrics for Season of Heartbreaks is still under works, but needs some patching up.  That's when Moe comes in handy :).










The final dinner happens tonight ..

Mood: Sleepy -_-
Listening To: Glacius - Season of Heartbreaks









Reached back home like around about 4.45 or so, after a short mamaking session with Paul, Mei Lin, Guo Qiang and a sleepy dinobutt. Anyways, thanks to Paul for picking us up after our bus was delayed for an hour or so -_-

I don't know. KL Konsortiums suck asses; larger than elephants. Why? Simple. Schizzow and I rushed (he limped) from McDs at Masjid Jamek to the Pudu bus stop at 9.30 or 9.45-ish. We were early as the girl from the counter adviced me to be on Platform 4 by then and wait for the 10pm bus.

Long story short, our bus arrived at 11pm.

And also, when we wanted to get onto the bus, the person in charge of that bus said that our 10pm bus left.


_|_


But then, he made a few thoughts as Schizzow and that fella nearly quarreled (the bus attendant was rather rude..) because we were waiting and being smoged to death since 9.30-ish, and he's telling us that our 10pm bus just left without us? There were like, the rest of the 10pm bus passengers with us, aight. Gah. _|_


Anyways, what's over, is over. Since Thursday, I don't know why, but memories are starting to come back to me. It's been really lonely deep inside of me, without her. For exactly 2 weeks, things aren't the same between us anymore. We've finally drifted apart.

I guess the feelings she once had for me, just phased out. Died. Finished. Depleted. Compressed until it never existed. Mampuih-ed. Thrown away... And so many more..

I think I'm trying a little bit too hard in patching things up to stay as good friends, or the so-called "brother-sister" status we agreed on, until I'm becoming the irritating side. Through this, I will move on. It's going to be hard, but I have no other choice as I can never go up to her to share my problems; especially if we are the main problem.

I guess we would be those sort of friends, where we would catch up a lot right after a few months of not facing each other. I'll still be seeing her in church. So I guess things would be different. Maybe it's just that she's lazy to communicate over the phone or MSN, but communicates better in person. Like a week ago in Gurney, where she showed happiness that could be noticed. Hmmm.

If I had one wish, it would be to make everything okay, even if it's us being together, or not. Because this position I am in, is killing me. *sighs*


I guess this verse I rapped on A Night In The Sky would explain me the best, right now. Since I think that history has repeated itself. The distance that separated us, has made me feel like I was being used - firstly, 4 years ago. Once in 2004, twice in 2005, and once, in 2006.




1st line - needs no definition.
2nd line - That's what really happened.
3rd line - That's how I feel these days..
4th line - That's how much she meant to me
5th line - She was confused; even on the very first day when we were together. I was the one who planted hope, but always uprooted by her own confusion..
6th line - At least I wasn't being 2-timed.
7th line - At least what we had, was real. Everything, and never lies.
8th line - No matter how far we are, apart, you're still the best person, in this world, because of your honesty and heart. And once, your loyalty :)
9th + 10th line - You made sense. What's the point of our relationship when I give love, and I don't get love back, although I wouldn't mind doing so? But a relationship is just wrong, when one side just dies out. I don't know how many people see this, but I've finally seen it, yet it's being darkened..
11th line - Speaks well for itself
12th line - Same reason as 11th line.
13th line - Maybe our relationship was a little bit too short, because it never stopped blooming. It was too beautiful for it to end..
14th line - But if a decision is made, both sides will respect it. And it's my nature to let people have things their way, even if I want to reject. I cause myself pain, just to make others smile.. Nobody really knows who I am - not even I.
15th line - The line speaks well for itself.
16th line - Time to face the fact. There's nobody special who would be by my side, to always accompany me when I'm down and bored. Or to be loved. It's anything.

Mood: Overjoyed!
Listening To: The Darkness - Love Is Only a Feeling








Don't ask me why. I'm also rather lost myself. But I'm not depressed at all now! I mean, I've lost Vanesa as someone I loved and all. But throughout this relationship, I treated her more than a girlfriend. I treated her like she was apart of my own family! And you know what? I'm glad for who I am. Though this was a breakup that people would think I would be depressed and all, because I was with her for a year, but trust me. I'm more than okay now :).

Of course, now, we're not even friends, but we're family. True family. And the one thing being as a family, where you can't feel the feelings of jealousy or anything that might ruin the relationship! Yes. We are, once again, back to the sibling stage. Where I am her elder brother, and she would be my younger sister. This way, things can really work out really well among us!

No, there is no more love for each other, I can assure you, but we're better off being siblings, because we were once so close, yet we can't be as close as we can, as siblings. I don't know. I'm overjoyed to type anything now.. Bwahahahaha..

We talked about how I got over it, and if I was really ok or not about this whole breakup thing and all. Oh yeah, I'm fine about it. Lol. Nobody believed me, but after reading my thoughts, of course everybody believed me :). I don't know. She cares for me, and I still cares for her. So, instead of a serious "relationship" - Hubbie and Wifey, we might as well become brother and sister. That way, things would be seriously better! No more feelings of jealousy or anything. Just plain care-ness, clean support without regret and everything else!

I don't know. I'm just far more than happy right now, to be treated by her like a family.

And by the way, after we splitted:

• I didn't like using the term "break up" because she was more than who she was to me, as a friend. She is a friend, and to say that we broke up, is kinda harsh to us.
• I didn't like labelling her as "ex" because she has done nothing wrong! She has never dumped me, betrayed me, or went out with another guy while we were together. And besides, if you said someone was you ex, most of your friends would think that she dumped you, or the other way around, no? And besides, I'm too proud to call her my ex. :).. I've been nothing but happy being with her. But now, I'm even more happier being her sibling than her boyfriend!

I don't know if I'm going nuts, but believe me, I'm still sane! Just that I'm back to my normal self.. Muahahahahahaha.. I'm feeling oh-so-fucking good.

Mood: Blank
Listening To: The Offsprings - Why Don't You Get a Job?








I miss going out at night. Whether it's to cycle, bike or drive around Penang, I just miss those moments. Usually, right after 1.30am in the morning, that's when I start to think back of life.

I've loved it for the first time when I cycled back from Sara's place last year, a few days after I got my fresh Korg AX1500G. Back then, I was still single.

Tonight, Paul was kind enough to fetch me out and just ronda around till he sent me home. I reflected:

• Is this who I want to be?
• I am satisfied in my current position.
• I do miss her. But less hurt when she doesn't reply my SMSes often now. It's either I'll get a reply, or not. Both would be equal to me
• What am I going to do after this month?
• Things wouldn't be the same.
• Hope, is still present.
• ... Will I change?

... No, I won't. I can never change. Even if I do, I might not notice it. But after what has happened, I could be a little bit more quiet and humble.. For the first few weeks, of course :).


To change.. What does she mean? Don't change.. Don't change.. I know it would make her upset if I did.. And one thing's for sure, I doubt I'll even change after what has happened. I'm always prepared for anything, you can say? I promise, I won't change. :)


No matter how many times I enter the hospital due to asthma attacks, no matter how many times I get into an accident with the bike and no matter how many times I'm turned down and ignored by people, I will never sit down, and wait till a miracle happens.


"Jean Louis. God gave us two feet to walk on, so we can journey along our own paths in life, and achieve our own success."


... Success. What about dreams and happiness? If I achieve success and wealth, will that make me happy? To be successful, would be my dream. Who wouldn't want to be successful in life?


Hmmm.. I really need to go cycle a few rounds around to get my mind cleared. The cool wind...

Mood: In pain. Upset tummy .. It's like PMS yaw.
Listening To: Kid Rock - Only God Knows Why

Mood: Blank. No, I'm not Emo.
Listening To: MSN Messages.










It's amazing how you tend to realise things that can never go your way, yourself. With that belief, and that saying I just typed out impromtu-ly on MSN, I think I can handle myself a lot more better. Not to say that I was emo-ing the whole night and wasn't ok with all this, but I think that this helps me a little bit more.


Besides, everything is like death:

Mood: Numb. And no, I am not depressed. I can't sleep for some reason..
Listening To: Cristal's MSN beeps.








"Hey baby... Say something..?"
"Okay..."

*3 minutes later*

"Baby..?"
"Still thinking..."

*2 minutes later*

".. Uh.."
".. Yeah, baby?"
".... Can we just stick to good friends?.."



That was the conversation that we had between me and Vanesa not long ago. Estimated time would be 1.40am ++. No, she did not fall for another guy, or anything similar.

Just today, Ah Hui turned single. And now, I've joined the club unintentionally. Although things aren't cleared till tomorrow because she said she would talk to me about this, and no, it's not about me being depressed. I'm feeling numb, but not depressed. And no, I am NOT emo-ing. Just wanted to state my mind!!

I respect her decision; for being honest about this relationship, and being who she is until today. Ever since we were on a break a few months ago, things has changed. I've lost the Vanesa I once knew. But tonight, this special event happened. She decided to voice her mind out regarding this relationship, and she cannot go with the flow.

I'm happy. At least she told me, right? And at least she stated her reasons. I tried every single way to make her think twice, but her mind's already made up that things would not work out.

During this time, only one song got stuck in my head. Schizzow's My Valentine.


"I admit I'm a fool to push myself to find love,
and got myself hurt... And now I thank the stars above"


Maybe I did. Have you ever loved someone, saying things or doing things that would actually hurt you, but you had to do it just for hope? The hope, that would bring things back to normal in a relationship? Where you would push yourself to find love, and got yourself hurt? Just for the sake of keeping the relationship together?


... I have.


It's not a bad thing. At least I didn't lose hope in "us". I never did. And I'm taking this mutual breakup very well, just that somehow, in my heart, I believe that there's a glimpse of light.. The light of hope. Both of us were speechless when I said I still believe in the both of us..

And as some of you might know, I've already prepared the 1 year anniversary poem, for the both of us. Some of you all read it. And for those who haven't, don't worry.. You all will see it soon.

You too, Vanesa. Told you I'll let you see it :).. Even if you're not reading this journal, I'll still read it to you because you wanted to see/hear it..

So, maybe nothing lasts forever. For some reason, I took this really well and no tears were shedded. All the memories, time and love we spent together, will always be remembered.

Now, I need my friends, to once again, guide me like usual. Guide me through this life, with hands held together. I seek guidance from the one family I can trust.. The one family I love..

.. Loved too much until I got fucking jizzed on, of course.

The FDM family. To others, it seems like a childish thing; but behind the aunts; and uncles; lies a beautiful circle of friends whom I usually seek for advice, help and inspiration. Guide me, with hands held, guide me through this path of life, full of obstacles and suprises.

And of course, it's 3.07am in the morning. I know you all would show concern once this problem is known. Thanks in advance.

She will call me again later on, mostly after her tuition @ 6.30.. Maybe 8 or 9.. But at midnight, I will read out, the 1 year anniversary poem I just prepared. As a memory of how we once thought everything was nothing, but love.



For those who are still with their loved ones, cherish every single moment. And don't regret whatever you all will go through. I'm pretty proud of myself, because I did not shed my tears to know this. Just because I didn't shed my tears, it didn't mean that I don't love her. I do, and deep down in this stoned heart, I still do. And my feelings keep on telling me that I believe in us. A sign of true love? Maybe. I can never be the judge of myself, and I can never be the judge of anything. Life has too many secrets and suprises for us to learn, even in just an lifespan.

Now I understand why Wormy made such a brave decision of not taking her back when he had the chance, last year.. I will think about it, and make up my final decision, and walk along this path..

.. With someone by my side, or alone. It is my decision..


And maybe, in this life.. I'm a lot more better walking off in my own direction, alone.. With support, yes..But never a burden to anyone else in whatever I do.. That's what I believe in x)... Now... to plan to get a JEM7VWH....

Mood: -less
Listening To: In Flames - Only For The Weak








Yep. Most of you know I was on a break with my girlfriend, Vanesa Kumaara.


Firstly, I would like to thank WoRmY, Denise, Michelle, Jessica, Florence, Shen Ai (Without the Yung. He didn't do much. lol), and Paul, for being there to listen to me when I'm down and going insane, literally.


The break is over. And so is our soon-to-be-7-months-by-7 days. Things couldn't work out from where they last ended, so we had a mutual breakup.


I'm shedding tears as I type this journal entry out now; but they're tears of happiness. Why? It ended. Not to say that I didn't love her from the start; but I did. No. We did. Whatever we did.. we just loved each other for who we were.


Some things can't just last forever; and our relationship didn't. But I've learnt a lot from it. Goddamn it, out of love, I even got a new phone. Lol. I admit, it is a good phone. And I've had the best times that nobody could've given me in my life. But I became something I was proud of. She admitted it to me during Christmas.


I'm everything that her ex wasn't. So I'm satisfied :).


I'm single again, yaw. NS is comin up and SPM results too.


Funniest thing would be love. Love is blind. I used to think it was bullshit, but I believe in it now. Whatever we had just blinded us in whatever we did. I guess the problem that ended the spark of love would be me. Not her. Because I didn't spend enough time with her. But I couldn't even meet up with her because her parents was strict on her.


But I'm glad that I had her, for real. She did not lie when she gave me everything of who she was. I was glad that she had been so honest to me even when she lost her feelings for me by so much.. Not many would've notified the other side of that small matter because some might just be scared.. Then the next thing you would know, it's over.


I loved the times to know that she was just there, to watch me do in what I am best. Is to play the guitar. FUsion Party, she was there. And she'd watch me play the guitar in church anytime. She sang under Yamaha's Music School for some charity concert held by the Adventist Hospital; and.. nothing could explain how I felt when I saw her up there.


I'm unsure if I can face her in reality, because I get different feelings when I'm just standing right beside her. That's how strong my love was for her. No strings attached.


If y'all feel like callin me up just to talk to cheer me up, I'd appreciate every company I'd get because I realised that I'm alone now..


:).


Best thing; I didn't lose her as a friend, but somehow, I know things wouldn't be the same. There's a price to pay when it comes to broken relationships; but I'm the type of person who would patch things up even if I don't like it; because it's good to have a friend than an enemy.


Well, goodbye, my love. Hello Vanesa Kumaara..


Thank you for always being there and showing me the greater sides of life instead of the bad ones. Believe me, you have shown me the greater sides of life. You were one of it that made me believe life is worth living; or I would've commit suicide a long time ago You've taught me how to live again and I'm both sad and happy to lose you...


Haha.. I can't stop crying. I sound like a dumbfuck now..


I just deleted all of her msgs.. But not the pictures. Instead, I renamed the whole folder to Past Memories.. in my handphone. To remember how I was to her, how much I meant to her, how I loved being by her side. Those pictures are just there; just to remind me how she's been the best I've ever had; the one I've thought of instead of anyone else and everything else..


Peace.


PS. We just got back together. But I'm unsure if it'll last for long. I'm a risk-taker and this is one risk I'm taking to see how far we can go..

Mood: Unstable..
Listening To: Il Divo - Regresa a Mi....








... If you think what you read is a joke, go ahead and laugh. After you do, bare in mind what's this poem truly decodes.


I wrote this up in just 5 minutes, so if you don't understand, it's ok..