Mood: Buh
Listening To: Dream Theater - Strange Deja Vu









Deja Vu indeed.

She asked for a break when I was working.

.. But now, it's the only time we're able to talk.. So it's good for the both of us.  She said she might regret letting me go.










... But I have a life.  Either you get on, or off.  :)

Besides, now that I have a part time job, I'll be less free.. In fact, I don't even have time for myself.  It would be unfair to her when I can't be there and all.  It would be unfair to me if whatever she does would hurt me silently.

It's unfair for us to be together.  But this break shall judge our fate of being together.










God.  Class tomorrow.  What a time to try an odd drink in Starbucks.. -_-... Now I know why people don't drink Espressos at night.. don't mind me,i'm no coffee nut -_-

Song of the moment:

Mood: Blur
Listening To: Panic Overdrive - Waiting For You + Attack In The Jungle









Okay.  Just in case y'all didn't know, Panic Overdrive has a Multiply site.  Of course, I was the one to set it up but I've been really busy these days.  But heck, click here to check it out.

And yes, I was extremely blur when I found out that I had an invitation pending without noticing.  LOL

Yesterday, was a semi-rebonding session between me and Vanesa.  Don't ask.  I was supposed to have lunch with her, but I ended up having dinner and leaving Gurney Plaza at 12am, accompanying her until her mum came back from Nibong Tebal.

I wanted to go back at 4pm, actually.  But it rained, and I rode the bike there.  I left Evolution Music, and went back there in just 10 minutes time.  Practically sat around in the shop for a few hours and got to know the people there.  Talented musicians, and well, all of us facing the same thing.  We're learning more stuff as the day passes.. Or well, at least still in the "learning" process.

Neverending journey.

Since I had nothing else better to do and no classes, Vanesa asked me for dinner, and well, I had dinner with her.  Left Fish & Co at 10 something, and ended up in McDs.  After that, we ended up in Breeks, Secret Recipe and the Gurney Drive walk area.  We kinda caught up, shared problems, and had several heart-to-heart conversations.

Suprisingly, she thanked me for sacrificing what we had back then just for her happiness.  Hmmm..










Ahhh.  I got lazy to write lah.  So long for pulling off a Sibert.  Got class in 50 minutes, and my handphone's barred.  Need to make a trip so I can reply some.. messages :)

I'll be having another church practice tonight for Palm Sunday.  Hope that I'll be able to help out as I won't be playing the bass tonight.  Only 3 more days, man.  It's going to be a tough job.  Gah.










Have a nice day!

Mood: Sleepy -_-
Listening To: Glacius - Season of Heartbreaks









Reached back home like around about 4.45 or so, after a short mamaking session with Paul, Mei Lin, Guo Qiang and a sleepy dinobutt. Anyways, thanks to Paul for picking us up after our bus was delayed for an hour or so -_-

I don't know. KL Konsortiums suck asses; larger than elephants. Why? Simple. Schizzow and I rushed (he limped) from McDs at Masjid Jamek to the Pudu bus stop at 9.30 or 9.45-ish. We were early as the girl from the counter adviced me to be on Platform 4 by then and wait for the 10pm bus.

Long story short, our bus arrived at 11pm.

And also, when we wanted to get onto the bus, the person in charge of that bus said that our 10pm bus left.


_|_


But then, he made a few thoughts as Schizzow and that fella nearly quarreled (the bus attendant was rather rude..) because we were waiting and being smoged to death since 9.30-ish, and he's telling us that our 10pm bus just left without us? There were like, the rest of the 10pm bus passengers with us, aight. Gah. _|_


Anyways, what's over, is over. Since Thursday, I don't know why, but memories are starting to come back to me. It's been really lonely deep inside of me, without her. For exactly 2 weeks, things aren't the same between us anymore. We've finally drifted apart.

I guess the feelings she once had for me, just phased out. Died. Finished. Depleted. Compressed until it never existed. Mampuih-ed. Thrown away... And so many more..

I think I'm trying a little bit too hard in patching things up to stay as good friends, or the so-called "brother-sister" status we agreed on, until I'm becoming the irritating side. Through this, I will move on. It's going to be hard, but I have no other choice as I can never go up to her to share my problems; especially if we are the main problem.

I guess we would be those sort of friends, where we would catch up a lot right after a few months of not facing each other. I'll still be seeing her in church. So I guess things would be different. Maybe it's just that she's lazy to communicate over the phone or MSN, but communicates better in person. Like a week ago in Gurney, where she showed happiness that could be noticed. Hmmm.

If I had one wish, it would be to make everything okay, even if it's us being together, or not. Because this position I am in, is killing me. *sighs*


I guess this verse I rapped on A Night In The Sky would explain me the best, right now. Since I think that history has repeated itself. The distance that separated us, has made me feel like I was being used - firstly, 4 years ago. Once in 2004, twice in 2005, and once, in 2006.




1st line - needs no definition.
2nd line - That's what really happened.
3rd line - That's how I feel these days..
4th line - That's how much she meant to me
5th line - She was confused; even on the very first day when we were together. I was the one who planted hope, but always uprooted by her own confusion..
6th line - At least I wasn't being 2-timed.
7th line - At least what we had, was real. Everything, and never lies.
8th line - No matter how far we are, apart, you're still the best person, in this world, because of your honesty and heart. And once, your loyalty :)
9th + 10th line - You made sense. What's the point of our relationship when I give love, and I don't get love back, although I wouldn't mind doing so? But a relationship is just wrong, when one side just dies out. I don't know how many people see this, but I've finally seen it, yet it's being darkened..
11th line - Speaks well for itself
12th line - Same reason as 11th line.
13th line - Maybe our relationship was a little bit too short, because it never stopped blooming. It was too beautiful for it to end..
14th line - But if a decision is made, both sides will respect it. And it's my nature to let people have things their way, even if I want to reject. I cause myself pain, just to make others smile.. Nobody really knows who I am - not even I.
15th line - The line speaks well for itself.
16th line - Time to face the fact. There's nobody special who would be by my side, to always accompany me when I'm down and bored. Or to be loved. It's anything.

Mood: Overjoyed!
Listening To: The Darkness - Love Is Only a Feeling








Don't ask me why. I'm also rather lost myself. But I'm not depressed at all now! I mean, I've lost Vanesa as someone I loved and all. But throughout this relationship, I treated her more than a girlfriend. I treated her like she was apart of my own family! And you know what? I'm glad for who I am. Though this was a breakup that people would think I would be depressed and all, because I was with her for a year, but trust me. I'm more than okay now :).

Of course, now, we're not even friends, but we're family. True family. And the one thing being as a family, where you can't feel the feelings of jealousy or anything that might ruin the relationship! Yes. We are, once again, back to the sibling stage. Where I am her elder brother, and she would be my younger sister. This way, things can really work out really well among us!

No, there is no more love for each other, I can assure you, but we're better off being siblings, because we were once so close, yet we can't be as close as we can, as siblings. I don't know. I'm overjoyed to type anything now.. Bwahahahaha..

We talked about how I got over it, and if I was really ok or not about this whole breakup thing and all. Oh yeah, I'm fine about it. Lol. Nobody believed me, but after reading my thoughts, of course everybody believed me :). I don't know. She cares for me, and I still cares for her. So, instead of a serious "relationship" - Hubbie and Wifey, we might as well become brother and sister. That way, things would be seriously better! No more feelings of jealousy or anything. Just plain care-ness, clean support without regret and everything else!

I don't know. I'm just far more than happy right now, to be treated by her like a family.

And by the way, after we splitted:

• I didn't like using the term "break up" because she was more than who she was to me, as a friend. She is a friend, and to say that we broke up, is kinda harsh to us.
• I didn't like labelling her as "ex" because she has done nothing wrong! She has never dumped me, betrayed me, or went out with another guy while we were together. And besides, if you said someone was you ex, most of your friends would think that she dumped you, or the other way around, no? And besides, I'm too proud to call her my ex. :).. I've been nothing but happy being with her. But now, I'm even more happier being her sibling than her boyfriend!

I don't know if I'm going nuts, but believe me, I'm still sane! Just that I'm back to my normal self.. Muahahahahahaha.. I'm feeling oh-so-fucking good.

Mood: Blank. No, I'm not Emo.
Listening To: MSN Messages.










It's amazing how you tend to realise things that can never go your way, yourself. With that belief, and that saying I just typed out impromtu-ly on MSN, I think I can handle myself a lot more better. Not to say that I was emo-ing the whole night and wasn't ok with all this, but I think that this helps me a little bit more.


Besides, everything is like death:

Mood: Numb. And no, I am not depressed. I can't sleep for some reason..
Listening To: Cristal's MSN beeps.








"Hey baby... Say something..?"
"Okay..."

*3 minutes later*

"Baby..?"
"Still thinking..."

*2 minutes later*

".. Uh.."
".. Yeah, baby?"
".... Can we just stick to good friends?.."



That was the conversation that we had between me and Vanesa not long ago. Estimated time would be 1.40am ++. No, she did not fall for another guy, or anything similar.

Just today, Ah Hui turned single. And now, I've joined the club unintentionally. Although things aren't cleared till tomorrow because she said she would talk to me about this, and no, it's not about me being depressed. I'm feeling numb, but not depressed. And no, I am NOT emo-ing. Just wanted to state my mind!!

I respect her decision; for being honest about this relationship, and being who she is until today. Ever since we were on a break a few months ago, things has changed. I've lost the Vanesa I once knew. But tonight, this special event happened. She decided to voice her mind out regarding this relationship, and she cannot go with the flow.

I'm happy. At least she told me, right? And at least she stated her reasons. I tried every single way to make her think twice, but her mind's already made up that things would not work out.

During this time, only one song got stuck in my head. Schizzow's My Valentine.


"I admit I'm a fool to push myself to find love,
and got myself hurt... And now I thank the stars above"


Maybe I did. Have you ever loved someone, saying things or doing things that would actually hurt you, but you had to do it just for hope? The hope, that would bring things back to normal in a relationship? Where you would push yourself to find love, and got yourself hurt? Just for the sake of keeping the relationship together?


... I have.


It's not a bad thing. At least I didn't lose hope in "us". I never did. And I'm taking this mutual breakup very well, just that somehow, in my heart, I believe that there's a glimpse of light.. The light of hope. Both of us were speechless when I said I still believe in the both of us..

And as some of you might know, I've already prepared the 1 year anniversary poem, for the both of us. Some of you all read it. And for those who haven't, don't worry.. You all will see it soon.

You too, Vanesa. Told you I'll let you see it :).. Even if you're not reading this journal, I'll still read it to you because you wanted to see/hear it..

So, maybe nothing lasts forever. For some reason, I took this really well and no tears were shedded. All the memories, time and love we spent together, will always be remembered.

Now, I need my friends, to once again, guide me like usual. Guide me through this life, with hands held together. I seek guidance from the one family I can trust.. The one family I love..

.. Loved too much until I got fucking jizzed on, of course.

The FDM family. To others, it seems like a childish thing; but behind the aunts; and uncles; lies a beautiful circle of friends whom I usually seek for advice, help and inspiration. Guide me, with hands held, guide me through this path of life, full of obstacles and suprises.

And of course, it's 3.07am in the morning. I know you all would show concern once this problem is known. Thanks in advance.

She will call me again later on, mostly after her tuition @ 6.30.. Maybe 8 or 9.. But at midnight, I will read out, the 1 year anniversary poem I just prepared. As a memory of how we once thought everything was nothing, but love.



For those who are still with their loved ones, cherish every single moment. And don't regret whatever you all will go through. I'm pretty proud of myself, because I did not shed my tears to know this. Just because I didn't shed my tears, it didn't mean that I don't love her. I do, and deep down in this stoned heart, I still do. And my feelings keep on telling me that I believe in us. A sign of true love? Maybe. I can never be the judge of myself, and I can never be the judge of anything. Life has too many secrets and suprises for us to learn, even in just an lifespan.

Now I understand why Wormy made such a brave decision of not taking her back when he had the chance, last year.. I will think about it, and make up my final decision, and walk along this path..

.. With someone by my side, or alone. It is my decision..


And maybe, in this life.. I'm a lot more better walking off in my own direction, alone.. With support, yes..But never a burden to anyone else in whatever I do.. That's what I believe in x)... Now... to plan to get a JEM7VWH....

Mood: -less
Listening To: In Flames - Only For The Weak








Yep. Most of you know I was on a break with my girlfriend, Vanesa Kumaara.


Firstly, I would like to thank WoRmY, Denise, Michelle, Jessica, Florence, Shen Ai (Without the Yung. He didn't do much. lol), and Paul, for being there to listen to me when I'm down and going insane, literally.


The break is over. And so is our soon-to-be-7-months-by-7 days. Things couldn't work out from where they last ended, so we had a mutual breakup.


I'm shedding tears as I type this journal entry out now; but they're tears of happiness. Why? It ended. Not to say that I didn't love her from the start; but I did. No. We did. Whatever we did.. we just loved each other for who we were.


Some things can't just last forever; and our relationship didn't. But I've learnt a lot from it. Goddamn it, out of love, I even got a new phone. Lol. I admit, it is a good phone. And I've had the best times that nobody could've given me in my life. But I became something I was proud of. She admitted it to me during Christmas.


I'm everything that her ex wasn't. So I'm satisfied :).


I'm single again, yaw. NS is comin up and SPM results too.


Funniest thing would be love. Love is blind. I used to think it was bullshit, but I believe in it now. Whatever we had just blinded us in whatever we did. I guess the problem that ended the spark of love would be me. Not her. Because I didn't spend enough time with her. But I couldn't even meet up with her because her parents was strict on her.


But I'm glad that I had her, for real. She did not lie when she gave me everything of who she was. I was glad that she had been so honest to me even when she lost her feelings for me by so much.. Not many would've notified the other side of that small matter because some might just be scared.. Then the next thing you would know, it's over.


I loved the times to know that she was just there, to watch me do in what I am best. Is to play the guitar. FUsion Party, she was there. And she'd watch me play the guitar in church anytime. She sang under Yamaha's Music School for some charity concert held by the Adventist Hospital; and.. nothing could explain how I felt when I saw her up there.


I'm unsure if I can face her in reality, because I get different feelings when I'm just standing right beside her. That's how strong my love was for her. No strings attached.


If y'all feel like callin me up just to talk to cheer me up, I'd appreciate every company I'd get because I realised that I'm alone now..


:).


Best thing; I didn't lose her as a friend, but somehow, I know things wouldn't be the same. There's a price to pay when it comes to broken relationships; but I'm the type of person who would patch things up even if I don't like it; because it's good to have a friend than an enemy.


Well, goodbye, my love. Hello Vanesa Kumaara..


Thank you for always being there and showing me the greater sides of life instead of the bad ones. Believe me, you have shown me the greater sides of life. You were one of it that made me believe life is worth living; or I would've commit suicide a long time ago You've taught me how to live again and I'm both sad and happy to lose you...


Haha.. I can't stop crying. I sound like a dumbfuck now..


I just deleted all of her msgs.. But not the pictures. Instead, I renamed the whole folder to Past Memories.. in my handphone. To remember how I was to her, how much I meant to her, how I loved being by her side. Those pictures are just there; just to remind me how she's been the best I've ever had; the one I've thought of instead of anyone else and everything else..


Peace.


PS. We just got back together. But I'm unsure if it'll last for long. I'm a risk-taker and this is one risk I'm taking to see how far we can go..

Mood: Unstable..
Listening To: Il Divo - Regresa a Mi....








... If you think what you read is a joke, go ahead and laugh. After you do, bare in mind what's this poem truly decodes.


I wrote this up in just 5 minutes, so if you don't understand, it's ok..