[Vai Freak] Glacius

Mood: Numb. And no, I am not depressed. I can't sleep for some reason..
Listening To: Cristal's MSN beeps.








"Hey baby... Say something..?"
"Okay..."

*3 minutes later*

"Baby..?"
"Still thinking..."

*2 minutes later*

".. Uh.."
".. Yeah, baby?"
".... Can we just stick to good friends?.."



That was the conversation that we had between me and Vanesa not long ago. Estimated time would be 1.40am ++. No, she did not fall for another guy, or anything similar.

Just today, Ah Hui turned single. And now, I've joined the club unintentionally. Although things aren't cleared till tomorrow because she said she would talk to me about this, and no, it's not about me being depressed. I'm feeling numb, but not depressed. And no, I am NOT emo-ing. Just wanted to state my mind!!

I respect her decision; for being honest about this relationship, and being who she is until today. Ever since we were on a break a few months ago, things has changed. I've lost the Vanesa I once knew. But tonight, this special event happened. She decided to voice her mind out regarding this relationship, and she cannot go with the flow.

I'm happy. At least she told me, right? And at least she stated her reasons. I tried every single way to make her think twice, but her mind's already made up that things would not work out.

During this time, only one song got stuck in my head. Schizzow's My Valentine.


"I admit I'm a fool to push myself to find love,
and got myself hurt... And now I thank the stars above"


Maybe I did. Have you ever loved someone, saying things or doing things that would actually hurt you, but you had to do it just for hope? The hope, that would bring things back to normal in a relationship? Where you would push yourself to find love, and got yourself hurt? Just for the sake of keeping the relationship together?


... I have.


It's not a bad thing. At least I didn't lose hope in "us". I never did. And I'm taking this mutual breakup very well, just that somehow, in my heart, I believe that there's a glimpse of light.. The light of hope. Both of us were speechless when I said I still believe in the both of us..

And as some of you might know, I've already prepared the 1 year anniversary poem, for the both of us. Some of you all read it. And for those who haven't, don't worry.. You all will see it soon.

You too, Vanesa. Told you I'll let you see it :).. Even if you're not reading this journal, I'll still read it to you because you wanted to see/hear it..

So, maybe nothing lasts forever. For some reason, I took this really well and no tears were shedded. All the memories, time and love we spent together, will always be remembered.

Now, I need my friends, to once again, guide me like usual. Guide me through this life, with hands held together. I seek guidance from the one family I can trust.. The one family I love..

.. Loved too much until I got fucking jizzed on, of course.

The FDM family. To others, it seems like a childish thing; but behind the aunts; and uncles; lies a beautiful circle of friends whom I usually seek for advice, help and inspiration. Guide me, with hands held, guide me through this path of life, full of obstacles and suprises.

And of course, it's 3.07am in the morning. I know you all would show concern once this problem is known. Thanks in advance.

She will call me again later on, mostly after her tuition @ 6.30.. Maybe 8 or 9.. But at midnight, I will read out, the 1 year anniversary poem I just prepared. As a memory of how we once thought everything was nothing, but love.



For those who are still with their loved ones, cherish every single moment. And don't regret whatever you all will go through. I'm pretty proud of myself, because I did not shed my tears to know this. Just because I didn't shed my tears, it didn't mean that I don't love her. I do, and deep down in this stoned heart, I still do. And my feelings keep on telling me that I believe in us. A sign of true love? Maybe. I can never be the judge of myself, and I can never be the judge of anything. Life has too many secrets and suprises for us to learn, even in just an lifespan.

Now I understand why Wormy made such a brave decision of not taking her back when he had the chance, last year.. I will think about it, and make up my final decision, and walk along this path..

.. With someone by my side, or alone. It is my decision..


And maybe, in this life.. I'm a lot more better walking off in my own direction, alone.. With support, yes..But never a burden to anyone else in whatever I do.. That's what I believe in x)... Now... to plan to get a JEM7VWH....